Duke Nukem Forever

Thooooom-oink-whump! Oops, sorry about the noise. The strangest thing has been happening lately: Huge flocks of winged Sus scrofa domesticus have been pummeling PCMag headquarters on the 11th floor of its Manhattan office building. It might be a curious sight?and a boon for borough bacon makers?but we kind of expected it once the unthinkable happened and Duke Nukem Forever ($49.99 list for PC, $59.99 list for Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3) was actually unleashed after being in the works for nearly 15 years. Unfortunately, given the way the game has turned out, the threat of squadrons of flying pigs is the least of this game's problems.

What's considerably more deflating to it now, and might be even more damaging to its lasting legacy, is that it bears the lines of every year of its pained development cycle. The folks at Gearbox Software may have gotten Duke Nukem Forever out the door?which in itself is no small achievement (though, of course, even one last delay was inevitable)?but they haven't reconciled the final product with the myriad concepts, technologies, and perspectives that contributed to its creation. Perhaps no game could ever be worth a wait as long as this one has had, but fewer games would so brazenly look and behave like it.

The graphics, at least on the PC version we tested, looked acid-washed and old-fashioned, vintage 2006 perhaps (though we recall that year's defining release, The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion, looking better), but never as crisp and exciting as we see in more thoroughly contemporary titles (Call of Duty: Black Ops), or even as boundary pushing as the series last installment, Duke Nukem 3D, was in, ahem, 1996. The game-play features are an uneasy amalgam of old and new: Duke's classic wide assortment of wacky weapons is here but paired with the ability to only use two at a time, and his health is represented only by a single bar (wryly labeled "Ego") that replenishes only as you avoid getting hit by enemy gunfire?both standard-issue approaches for an FPS today. Enemies are evolutionary variants of Duke 3D's aliens and "pig-cops" (one common one even zooms around in a jetpack?more with the airborne swine!), but don't wallow in much originality in terms of how they fight or how they're fought.

As is typical for the series, the game is notable primarily through Duke himself, who's as quick-tongued, babe-loving, and misogynistic as ever. You derive a certain thrill from once again playing a muscle-bound (and muscle-headed) hero with such an unapologetic testosterone-fueled personality, and that keeps the early scenes engaging and amusing, as does the game world's high level of interactivity?you can touch, move, or otherwise manipulate almost everything you see (with certain key instances increasing Duke's maximum Ego level). As the story, about the aliens returning and taking Earth's women hostage, begins to unfold, things seem to be on the right, raunchy track.

But with various attempts at color things quickly turn jagged. Whereas the Duke of old was a deeply parodic Arnold Schwarzenegger knock-off, the new one is more one-dimensional and less satisfying. The quips he spits, in particular, don't quite get your adrenaline pumping: They're loaded with references to relatively ancient memes such as pork chop sandwiches and Leeroy Jenkins that give things a decidedly anachronistic feel. So too does the grab-bag nature of the construction, which finds Duke playing pinball games, driving a toy car both with a remote control and his own shrunken body (don't ask), firing at enemies from turret installations, stalking pitch-black floors with his infra-red "Duke Vision," paddling through underwater levels, and so on?there's no sense of true cohesion. The locales, which begin in Duke's opulent Las Vegas hotel-casino and get progressively more extraterrestrial, have a satisfying amount of visual variety.

After the initial excitement wears off, Duke Nukem Forever ends up feeling like just another shooter, something that has not traditionally been true of this series. Lacking a better-defined hook, it doesn't make you want to keep playing for the full length of its single-player campaign (less than ten hours) or progress into the unadventurous multiplayer mode (featuring "Capture the Babe," which?well, you can probably figure it out). Today's shooters generally have something compelling about them: richer period detail (L.A. Noire), a more defined sense of style or point of view (BioShock or BioShock 2, or a stronger sense of humor (Portal 2). Even those that really go for over-the-top gore (Bulletstorm) typically do so with less abandon and more flair?kind of the way the old Duke Nukem games did.

The only thing that truly distinguishes Duke Nukem Forever is its incredible (and ridiculous) history, and the voluminous anticipation that's inspired. That's not nothing, but that background alone isn't enough. It's possible to have fun with this game, and it's even likely that you will, but it's difficult to have as much fun as the game so desperately and insistently wants you to have: It's going for the surface score without establishing the underlying mechanics first. Think of it as a nerd begging a supermodel for a date?but Duke isn't a dork, and he'd never beg. He knows it, and after stumbling through his latest adventure, so will you. Now, if you'll excuse us, Satan is outside ice-skating to work, and needs directions.

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